Dear Cupid...We need to discuss your aim

Dear Cupid,

We need to discuss your aim...or lack of aim i should say. I have forgiven you for past mistakes too many times and i feel its time we settle this once and for all. I'm not getting any younger and you my dear are frankly starting to piss me off with this weeks occurances. I let the fact that you made me fall for a hairy short fat guy and have a kid with him go. I let the fact that you then sent me a man who looks like a doberman go. I even let the lucky charms gremlin incident slide. Well this year you little bastard i'm putting my foot down!! You will strike someone worth knowing with that arrow because if you dont your going to find it shoved in a very akward place.

I went to walmart yesterday to treat myself to a much needed day of relaxation. After getting my hair and nails done i was feeling good about myself. Ive lost 22 pounds, got some self esteem, found a guy that i like ( which btw thanks for sending someone my way who isnt ready for a relationship...thats like being on a diet and someone giving you cheesecake and telling you to look but not eat...we will be discussing this later!! ) As i skipped across the parking lot my mood was euphoric until you decided to be cute.

Why....why cupid...why??!! What possessed you to shoot him with an arrow? Did you think it would be a good way to start out year 32? He pulled up next to my car in what i assume was once a nice truck. The barbwire holding the tailpipe up was classy but just not as classy as those naked lady mudflaps. No rearview mirror? No problem! He had rigged what i swear was a compact mirror to the windshield. He had to open the door from the outside and that bondo all over the truck? What girl wouldnt want to be seen in such a pimp mobile! But what really won me over wasnt the rebel flag stickers over every inch of the back windshield...or the natty light beer cans littering the back of the truck. No...what won this girls heart was the "HONK IF YOUR HORNY" bumper sticker. Trust me sir i will not be honking for you anytime soon.

My first thought was to stand real still because ive heard that there are a certain breed of men if you stand real still they cant see you. Too late he spotted me. My second thought was to not make eye contact. I scurried to my car acting like i was late for an appointment but this did not detour mr unfortunate. " Hey girl" and at that point i made eye contact. Now from my past boyfriends and two ex husbands i know that i got saddled with a joker. We have had many laughs over the years you and i about the men you seem to think would be appropriate for me but this year you didnt realize that i got some self esteem and have been plotting your demise for quite some time now. Jokes on you cupid. Your ass is going down this time. Nice try though.

I posess the writing skills to properly describe this man but its kind of like a freak show attraction. You would just have to see it to beleive it. Whoever said that the mullet had died in the 80's had obviously not met kid rock and billy ray cyrus's love child. But i'm Mandi and only the weird and macabe happen to me so i was blessed to meet up with him in a walmart parking lot. He had one of those buisness in the front party in the back mulletts. And im pretty sure he had the back part permed at one point. When he opened his mouth to speak i noticed two things. The huge wad of skoal and what i assumed were those fake billy bob teeth at first but nope on closer inspection those were the real deal missy. Earrings in both ears...the cheap gold studs he probably lifted from his moms dollar store collection. The wind shifted in our direction and i got a huge whiff of stetson. Cupid...your idea of a birthday present stinks. He reeked of a refund and i doubt i could give that present back.

He was one of those people who spells like he talks. You could just tell by the way he told me " You sure are purdy" had it followed up with "You sure do got a purdy mouth" or "Can you squeal like a pig" i would have whipped out the banjo myself and cut us a little jig. Then he decided to step in and take a sniff at me. Again i tried to stand as still as possible. If i played dead maybe he would just move on. " You smell clean" oh dear lord help me this fool wants to do one of two things. Take me back to the trailer park and knock me up with his mullett offspring so i can stand barefoot in a kids wading pool in the front yard while fetching him natty lites or he wanted to stuff me into a well. I didnt know which one was worse.

Suffice it to say cupid i flat told him i was busy and didnt have time to talk because i was running late. He said he hoped to run into me again. Dont hold your breath. This year you will not pull your jokes on me. I am tired of you sending me commitment-phobes, megalomaniacs, douchebags, cheaters, liars, insane in the membrane fellows, baby mama drama, and my all time favorite abusive assholes. I draw the line this time. You will send me someone good this year. If you do not i will be forced to pull drastic measures. I have a sister and quite a few female cousins you seem to like to pull jokes on as well and i would hate to round them all up for a good old fashioned mobbing. You know me cupid and you know im capable. The next time you pull that arrow back he better be tall, handsome, funny, smart, nerdy, employed, and sane. I'm watching you cupid........

For sale 1 overused Gremlin...comes with free cat

I forgot i had a blog until Ben reminded me. I only have two followers at this point so hopefully they are not too mad. Although poor Jen bless her heart is on Bed rest and i'm sure she would like something to read. Suffice it to say i am no closer to being married and at this point i am single. Being single doesnt bother me as much as it used too. Being 30 and not married bugs the shit out of me. Kind of a contradiction. Alot of things have changed for me. I have mentioned in the past that its hard for me to be friends with females but recently i discovered its not females so much as it is weak willed females. I was friends with a co-worker and we were really good friends until she lost her ability to think for herself. She's twenty-six and her whole world has become all about a nineteen year old blue haired unemployed boy. I understand that she hasnt had alot of experience in the real world and i say this because the majority of her life is spent in fantasy realms like Second life or Lord of the Rings online. Anything where she can escape reality and be someone other than herself. My dad got sick and she couldnt even focus on our friendship because she was so worried about his issues with his blue hair. I'm sorry but if your going to have smurf colored hair you better be prepared for some smurf colored comments. This chic got psycho about the whole incident. Threatning to cut me and two other girls up, giving this guy my phone number and many other things. I feel sorry for her. I shouldnt after the things she said ( like quit tweeting about my mom no one cares if she lives or dies ) but i do. When you are so miserable with who you really are it makes you fall for people who are not good for you and you give up parts of your life you may never be able to get back. This is why i am not married. I refuse to be like her. I dont beleive that you should let yourself go once your in a relationship or married. I also dont beleive that you should dress like a crumb bum every day or a guy, pull your hair back in a ballcap, never wear makeup and then say i'll dress up after i get a boyfriend. Ummm that kind of defies the purpose does it not? Appereance is the first thing that the opposite sex notices. You dont look at someone who looks had it and say " Gee i bet they have a wonderful personality." People do not go out looking for personality.

I do not always make the best judgement when it comes to men as you will see from the many fine examples i will give you later on. But the Gremlin slipped under my radar. I never even saw him coming. As i stated in my previous blogs he would text me alot. I'm all for those little texts throughout the day that let someone know that you are thinking about them but again i do not need those texts to be accompanied by your picture. At one point as i was sitting at my desk eating apples and flipping through text messages i thought....If something ever happens to him i will be able to provide the police with many pictures. ( Not to mention the DNA deposits he was leaving at my house ) I'm weird in the sense that when i meet someone i focus on one thing that i really like about that person. With Gremlin i couldnt find anything. And it was bugging the shit out of me. At one point i was getting up at 3:30 am to be at work at 6:00 am so i could bag some overtime and get alot of work done. So at 9:00 pm i was falling asleep. And every night at 9:30 0r 10:00 my phone was ringing. Okay i am not one of those chicks who has to fall asleep to the sound of your voice. And seeing as we werent even boyfriend and girlfriend at this point there was no point of me talking to him before i went to bed. I put my phone on silent and when i got up at 3:30 i notice there are five voicemails.

Gremlin: It's me. I just wanted to hear your voice before i went to bed.

Gremlin: It's me again. Just seeing if you would answer this time.

Gremlin: Do you ever answer your phone? I just got out of the shower and wanted to leave you that mental so myabe you would have dreams about me tonight.

Gremlin: Okay i'm about to give up calling you for the night...

Gremlin: Okay well i guess your asleep. I'll call you tomorrow.

It took you five times to figure out that i might be asleep? And to make things worse he called me at 3:30!!! Does this fucker ever sleep!? On friday he decided he wanted to come over. Fine. On saturday i wake up and he's in me bed. What the hell. I try to be polite and hint around that he needs to leave. Does he take the hint? No. He asks me what i'm making him for breakfast. What the hell? Is their a sign on my apartment somewhere that says soup kitchen? I called Johnny and Erin and said i need a break from this fool help!!! Most guys wont hang around while your getting dressed....not Gremlin. I heard Johnny pull up and silently reminded myself to flash him for saving me from the Gremlin. I get out the door and into the truck and Gremlin is loitering in front of my apartment. Bye. We drove off. We picked up Erin and later that night we ended up at the casino where i had a few too many. Poor Johnny. He always ends up with a pack of drunk bitches. I need a Doooooollllllar i slurred at him. For what he asked. For the slot machine...duh. This went on for about 30 minutes. Gremlin was supposed to meet us at the casino and drive us back home. I was drunk and wanted some taco bell. Gremlin shows up and informs Johnny that he cannot take me and Erin home because he was driving Mater and had only one seat. WTF?? I was pretty pissed off because he had told us beforehand that he would drive us home so that Johnny wouldnt have too. Well poor Johnny ended up driving us home and because of the time change we missed taco bell and ended up going to walmart where i tried flashing my bare ass to the world while trying on a pair of pink pants in the middles of the store. I get home and Gremlin had made a heart out of snow. Gremlins are slick. We dont give them enough credit for their devious ways. Tomorrow i will tell you what happens when you let a Gremlin in your house and feed him. And it doenst matter what time it is either. Feeding them after midnight is a myth.

I HIT THE BULLS EYE MAKING ALL THE BOYS CRY

I am still no closer to being married. I do not want to look old in my wedding photos and would prefer that my daughter not have to tell people that her mom and dad are not married but have been shacking up together. I dont know what the hell Rob's problem is and i'm getting to where i dont even care anymore. Today while sitting in a resteraunt i saw the cutest thing. An old man and an old lady sitting side by side. He got her food for her and even put everything on it for her. And while i cherished the fact that they had grown old together and everyday was a blessing for them both i had to wonder if i would ever grow old with anyone. I am starting to step closer to collecting those 29 cats. I blame my looks for everything. I have low self esteem. When a guy breaks up with me i question if he found someone prettier and when i do finally get to see what she looks like it's always a kick in the face because nine times out of ten she is not prettier than me. I learned to cook along time ago to compensate for what i consider my lack of beauty. I clean and know how to do laundry. I am well read and can carry an intelligent conversation. I play video games and love movies most guys love. I am not possesive and do not need a man around me every hour of the day. I let my boyfriends have their boys night out and do not call wondering why they arent home at three in the morning. When everything goes to hell and it looks like things will fall apart i step up sacrifice and carry us through. So why am i still not married? What is so wrong with me that no one wants to spend the rest of their life with me? Whats worse is that almost all of my ex-boyfriends are now really good friends of mine. I am just that forgiving. I dont have the capability in me to see someone go without or suffer even if it means going without or suffering myself. So this bullshit guys like to spit out and say "oh i just want someone that cares about me and i can take home to my family" uh hello? when you get her you always dump her for arm candy. Fake boobs and a size two waist is only going to get you so much in life. But then again those girls arent searching craigs list for cats. I want that whole romantic take your breath away and make your heart skip a beat love story but i always get the made for tv version. The man always starts out like he is going to be romantic but once he knows he has you he stops. What the hell is that about? Which brings me to the next chapter in Gremlin boy. He started out like this. My friend Johnny was always bitching at me that i wouldnt give him a chance because he was a nice guy. No i wouldnt give him a chance because i know this story and i know that while the characters may change the ending is always the same.

I did not understand why my phone was constantly going off with text alerts from the Gremlin. I love my job. Sometimes it frustrates me but i love it. I take alot of effort in making sure everything is correct. I work hard because i want to move up one day. I do not need to hear from my boyfriend a hundred times a day and what was worse is he was sending me pics of himself everyday! Like i really need that many pics of him. First of all that makes you come across as vain. Number two you are not that cute to be that vain about yourself. When he got all paranoid because he hadnt heard from me in two hours i got pissed. I dont go to work to text you all day so your going to have to stop blowing my phone up. Of course he takes this wrong and gets all pouty. Do you need some midol and maybe a tampon? i asked...No Why would you ask me that he replied. Because your acting like a bitch on her monthly. That got me four hours of silence. I cursed myself for not telling him sooner. I might have gotten eight hours of silence. March 17th he text me and asked me if he could come over. I was tired and wanted to sleep but once again my hormones betrayed me and told him he could. He tells me that he will come over after him and his friend Doug got through at the bars. Two in the morning this fucker was still not at my house. He didnt even have the decency to tell me he wasnt coming. He called me at three and told me that he had to stay with his friend and make sure he didnt choke on his own vomit. WTF??!! Whatever. I hung up turned off the phone and went to bed. I ignored all his texts the next day and when he called me and said what the hell is your problem all hell broke loose. The floodgates broke and i let loose the tidal wave of frustration. I hung up. I didnt need this shit. Later that night he calls me and tells me to look on my doorstep. He had driven all the way from Tulsa after church to leave me a dozen roses on my doorstep. I heard something crack...and realized that little bastard was breaking my icy disposition. Fuck. This was not a good sign.

Pros and Cons of Gremlin Boy

I have certain requirements that have to be met before i will date someone. This may come across shallow but seriously i dont care.

1. You must have all your teeth. This should be a given but i cant tell you how many toothless guys have tried to justify their lack of chompers. They have to be nice teeth too. I dont really care if they are perfectly straight but they cant be jacked up like two teeth growing on top of each other or a big huge gap in between your teeth.

2. You must have a job. Dont try to slip under the radar by telling me you are self employed. You dont have a job you dont date me.

3. You must have your own vehicle. The only way you slip under the radar on this one is if you recently got into a wreck and are waiting to get a new one. Other than that you have no excuse. I will not do public transportation as a means of getting around on our date.

4. You have to be at least 5'10. I dont like short guys. I dont care if you say your " fun sized " it still equals too short for me.

5. If you are furry i am not dating you. I do not want to find your back hairs in my razor or clogging up my drains.

6. I will not date someone that has kids. This sounds shallow since i have kids but my oldest daughter's father only dates people with kids and married a woman who had two and never pays attention to his own daughter and i will not put my kids through that.

These are some of the basic rules. I have many more but will go into those at a later time. I met gremlin boy on my 29th birthday through a mutual friend. He kept giving me the eye which i found creepy because Rob was with me and Gremlin boy seemed to possess no shame about hitting on me. When he asked to join my myspace and i talked to him on yahoo he informed me that he was bi-sexual. This put a huge hell no into any possibility he ever had with me. He informed me that a man knows what a man likes. Well then you are dating some amatuer women. He kept trying to get me to go on a date with him in which i kept declining. So a year later as i was searching the floor for my bra wondering why he was still in my apartment and not leaving i asked myself what the hell had i been thinking? Why was he still talking like i cared what he was saying? I politely nodded my head and threw in a well placed laugh every now and then but truth be told i just wanted to go to bed. Then he said it....He broke one of the rules of Fuck Buddies.

Gremlin Boy: So am i staying the night?

Me: Hell no your not staying the night. I told you fuck and run boy.

Gremlin boy: Oh....i thought you were kidding.

Me: serioulsy? how many women kid aboout that shit?

Gremlin boy: well i have to admit your the first

Me: I have work tomorrow so i need to go to bed. I will talk to you later. ( Mental note to self erase number out of phone and do not call him again )

He left and i went to bed. At four thirty my phone sounded a text message alert. I rolled over and saw that it was from Gremlin Boy.

TEXT: GOOD MORNING SEXY! I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU. YOUR BEAUTIFUL!

I threw up a little in my mouth. I took a shower drank a cup of coffee fixed my hair and makeup and then my phone rang. It was the Gremlin on a fifteen minute break wanting to know if he could see me again. I went over the pros and cons in my head.

Pro: He was good in bed

Con: He was breaking all standard fuck buddy rules

Pro: He was good in bed

Con: He had the most annoying laugh in the world.

Pro: He was good in bed

Hormones win. Yeah come over tonight. Stupid Hormones....Always getting me in trouble!

Welcome to the jungle...we've got leopard underwear

This has nothing to do with my quest to get married...or does it? I'm sure at one time we have all had dreams about one of our co-workers. I seem to keep having them and they always involve the same guy. Holly swears there is some underlying sexual tension between me and him but he doesnt strike me as a chubby chaser so i dont think thats the deal. The first time i had a dream about him was back in October. We were on a school bus full of people i went to school with except Erin who was hanging out in the front of the bus talking to some hot asian guy with blue eyes. I had on capri's and i looked down and realized i hadnt shaved my legs. In the dream i thought to myself...please dont let anyone see my legs. For some reason thats about the time that my co-worker comes and sits by me. We were having a nice conversation about GI JOE when he leaned over and kissed me. In my head i was thinking omg wait till i tell the girls at work...i opened my eyes and saw Erin and blue eyed asian boy giving me the thumbs up. His hand started grabbing my ass and i thought lord please dont let him touch my legs. And he started to go for my leg and i kept swatting his hand away until he finally said damnit mandi what is your problem? I didnt shave me legs. He gave me this look that was pure porno and nothing like my co-worker and said all sexy " like i care" ~QUE PORNO MUSIC HERE~ I will spare you the details but we ended up getting it on in front of all these people on the bus! The bus drops us off at some house and we end up getting it on top of a pool table and then in the shower. I went to work the next day and couldnt even look him in the eye. I can't avoid him either....I'm his assistant. So i had four other dreams about him and then they stopped and i thought they were over until last night. I had this dream that Kara was getting married and we were have her bachlorette party at Neola's house. So kari, kara, holly, neola, erin, and myself were drunk off of cranberry and vodka. Neola's living room was pink ...i remember telling her my cranberry and vodka was the same color as her wall. The doorbell rings and in walks the co-worker. For some reason none of us found this strange. He says ladies i'm here to make you happy...we all started cracking up. Out of nowhere Axel Rose starts singing Welcome To The Jungle and off came co-workers clothes except for a pair of leopard bikini underwear. Kari spits out vodka and cranberry all over Neolas carpet and neola says dont worry i have a swifter and we all start singing " Dont you want me baby" until kara noticed that Erin was sticking one dollar bills into the leopard underwear. The girls encouraged me to reach in and get some change and Somehow everyone ends up leaving but me and all of a sudden i am eye to crotch with the leopard underwear. He whips out a bottle of baby oil and we were somehow in what i will assume is Neolas bedroom and he's greasing her bed down and all i can think is Neola is going to kick his ass. Long story short i ended up screwing him on the water bed, Neola's couch and the kitchen counter. I woke up thinking i had baby oil on me. Needless to say work was interesting. One of these days i'm just going to do it and maybe i'll stop dreaming about it. Maybe......

Intro to Gremlin boy

I have a favorite book store that i visit at least once a week. I love this book store. When ever i am stressed out i always go there and just wonder around until i feel better which doesnt take long because the clerks are getting to know me and we sit and talk about our favorite authors. Yesterday my bookstore was tainted by my ex-boyfriend the gremlin. While i will not post his name ( although i should so women can avoid feeding him after midnight so he wont reproduce ) i will tell you that he is called the gremlin for many reasons. I will go into those reasons at some point or another but right now lets focus on my bookstore. This makes me mad for one reason. Gremlin boy cannot spell let alone read so he had no buisness in my bookstore!! He knows i love that bookstore and he went there on purpose to leave his evil gremlin residue everywhere. My ex drives this orange and white ford that i call Mater. The truck is older than me and is barely running. It only has the drivers seat for some odd reason, rust is eating away at the frame, it's horribly loud and he's running it off of vegetable oil. Yes you read that right. He mixes Diesel and vegetable oil and somehow the truck still functions. My point is you can't miss that truck. We were driving by Gardners Books and there it was. MATER!! My blood pressure went through the roof. This may sound catty to you but some of you know what this feels like. You have a favorite bar that your ex hated until you broke up and then suddenly thats their new favorite spot. Gremlin boy and i had a nasty break up. During one of my many off months with Rob i decided that i just needed to get over him once and for all. I had waited many months for him to decide if he wanted to get back together and when he said he just didnt think it was going to happen i was heartbroken. The only way i can get over someone is to sleep with someone else. ( i know it's weird ) I had known the gremlin for a year and decided he was going to be my friend with benefits. I sent him a text and told him i needed to get over Rob so as a favor i needed him to sleep with me. He happily agreed. Gremlin boy comes over and i laid the rules down. The conversation went something like this.

Me: I dont want to be your girfriend, i dont want to have your kids, when it's over get up and leave unless we fall asleep or i ask you to stay, we are exclusively sleeping with each other so dont let me catch you sleeping with anyone else, i have the right to turn down any and all booty calls and i dont want to talk about our feelings afterwards. That shit is for chic flicks.

Gremlin boy: Damn your sexy....i love a woman that knows what she wants and how she wants it. Your feisty!

Me: You wouldnt think it was sexy if we were dating i can be a bitch and men are turned off by that for some reason.

Gremlin Boy: Not me. I think its hot when a woman speaks her mind and isnt afraid what other people think.

Me: I've heard this before. Are we going to get it on or what?

Gremlin boy: Can i kiss you?

And it went from there. His first mistake was asking to kiss me. What the hell are we back in high school? No sooner had i put my clothes back on he turns to me and says

Gremlin boy: So is there a possibility of a relationship?

Me: Did you serioulsy just ask me that?

Gremlin boy: Yeah i did. I think we would be good together if you would just give me a chance.

Me: Look i know how this goes. You start out trying to prove to me that your not like all the others and then when you have me you just stop.

Gremlin Boy: You dont know me too well then.

Was he ever right about that.

In the Beginning...there were no cats...

When i woke up on May 13th 2009 i realized i was thirty and still not married. It was on my to do list since birthday number twenty-five but somehow those five years just flew and there i was looking in the mirror checking for gray hairs and crow feet wondering how i had gotten to this point. It's not like i have never been married in fact i have been married twice. ( My mom tells me not to brag about that...says it doesnt sound good when you say it out loud ) My first husband and i got married because i was pregnant. Plain and simple truth. We divorced less than two years later and he now resides in Murfreesboro Tennessee happily married to his cousins ex-wife. They take the phrase "Keep it in the Family" to a new level. I wish i had a reason for marrying my second husband but i dont. I cant even blame it on Jose or Jack. I just got bored one day and decided to be spontaneous. Six months later i was divorced again. I've tried to find a husband but apparently there is a shortage of good men and i'm not desperate enough to marry just anything. I have a boyfriend who i've been seeing for five years on and off again but he just cant seem to pop the big question. Right now we are on again. But my ring finger is still bare. This blog is about my quest to get married and the many bad relationships i have endured to find my future husband. There have been a few good relationships but mostly bad. I've been checking out the free cats section in Craig's list just in case i need to start my collection soon. I have one cat. A gray and white mixed breed named Mr. Tinkles. Yes my cat's name is Mr Tinkles. I have a serious obsession with Twilight and often wish the Cullen's were real. Edward knows exactly what to say to a woman. If a man were to say some of the things Edward told Bella i would be putty in his hands. Sadly Oklahoma seems to have a shortage of pale golden eyed men who sparkle. Rob ( the boyfriend) is pale and has golden colored eyes ( natural ) but he keeps waking up everytime i try to glue glitter on him. Two out of three isnt bad. For now i am tired but this was my start up blog. Hopefully you will come back and follow me in my quest to obtain the 1 carat princess cut that seems to keep eluding me.