Dear Cupid...We need to discuss your aim

Dear Cupid,

We need to discuss your aim...or lack of aim i should say. I have forgiven you for past mistakes too many times and i feel its time we settle this once and for all. I'm not getting any younger and you my dear are frankly starting to piss me off with this weeks occurances. I let the fact that you made me fall for a hairy short fat guy and have a kid with him go. I let the fact that you then sent me a man who looks like a doberman go. I even let the lucky charms gremlin incident slide. Well this year you little bastard i'm putting my foot down!! You will strike someone worth knowing with that arrow because if you dont your going to find it shoved in a very akward place.

I went to walmart yesterday to treat myself to a much needed day of relaxation. After getting my hair and nails done i was feeling good about myself. Ive lost 22 pounds, got some self esteem, found a guy that i like ( which btw thanks for sending someone my way who isnt ready for a relationship...thats like being on a diet and someone giving you cheesecake and telling you to look but not eat...we will be discussing this later!! ) As i skipped across the parking lot my mood was euphoric until you decided to be cute.

Why....why cupid...why??!! What possessed you to shoot him with an arrow? Did you think it would be a good way to start out year 32? He pulled up next to my car in what i assume was once a nice truck. The barbwire holding the tailpipe up was classy but just not as classy as those naked lady mudflaps. No rearview mirror? No problem! He had rigged what i swear was a compact mirror to the windshield. He had to open the door from the outside and that bondo all over the truck? What girl wouldnt want to be seen in such a pimp mobile! But what really won me over wasnt the rebel flag stickers over every inch of the back windshield...or the natty light beer cans littering the back of the truck. No...what won this girls heart was the "HONK IF YOUR HORNY" bumper sticker. Trust me sir i will not be honking for you anytime soon.

My first thought was to stand real still because ive heard that there are a certain breed of men if you stand real still they cant see you. Too late he spotted me. My second thought was to not make eye contact. I scurried to my car acting like i was late for an appointment but this did not detour mr unfortunate. " Hey girl" and at that point i made eye contact. Now from my past boyfriends and two ex husbands i know that i got saddled with a joker. We have had many laughs over the years you and i about the men you seem to think would be appropriate for me but this year you didnt realize that i got some self esteem and have been plotting your demise for quite some time now. Jokes on you cupid. Your ass is going down this time. Nice try though.

I posess the writing skills to properly describe this man but its kind of like a freak show attraction. You would just have to see it to beleive it. Whoever said that the mullet had died in the 80's had obviously not met kid rock and billy ray cyrus's love child. But i'm Mandi and only the weird and macabe happen to me so i was blessed to meet up with him in a walmart parking lot. He had one of those buisness in the front party in the back mulletts. And im pretty sure he had the back part permed at one point. When he opened his mouth to speak i noticed two things. The huge wad of skoal and what i assumed were those fake billy bob teeth at first but nope on closer inspection those were the real deal missy. Earrings in both ears...the cheap gold studs he probably lifted from his moms dollar store collection. The wind shifted in our direction and i got a huge whiff of stetson. Cupid...your idea of a birthday present stinks. He reeked of a refund and i doubt i could give that present back.

He was one of those people who spells like he talks. You could just tell by the way he told me " You sure are purdy" had it followed up with "You sure do got a purdy mouth" or "Can you squeal like a pig" i would have whipped out the banjo myself and cut us a little jig. Then he decided to step in and take a sniff at me. Again i tried to stand as still as possible. If i played dead maybe he would just move on. " You smell clean" oh dear lord help me this fool wants to do one of two things. Take me back to the trailer park and knock me up with his mullett offspring so i can stand barefoot in a kids wading pool in the front yard while fetching him natty lites or he wanted to stuff me into a well. I didnt know which one was worse.

Suffice it to say cupid i flat told him i was busy and didnt have time to talk because i was running late. He said he hoped to run into me again. Dont hold your breath. This year you will not pull your jokes on me. I am tired of you sending me commitment-phobes, megalomaniacs, douchebags, cheaters, liars, insane in the membrane fellows, baby mama drama, and my all time favorite abusive assholes. I draw the line this time. You will send me someone good this year. If you do not i will be forced to pull drastic measures. I have a sister and quite a few female cousins you seem to like to pull jokes on as well and i would hate to round them all up for a good old fashioned mobbing. You know me cupid and you know im capable. The next time you pull that arrow back he better be tall, handsome, funny, smart, nerdy, employed, and sane. I'm watching you cupid........